Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
