If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
