Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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