There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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