Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
