Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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