Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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