Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
