Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
