I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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