but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
