he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
