I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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