life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
