i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
