True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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