help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
