Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
