I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
