The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
