so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
