I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
