I think I just saw someone hide a body.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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