I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
