i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
