i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
