Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
only if we run a train.
done.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
