You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
