You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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