jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
PANTIES FOUND
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
