I need to stop coming to work sober
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
