He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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