I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
