The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
