Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
