textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
