Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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