I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
