I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
