if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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