first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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