ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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