for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I AM VODKA MAN
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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