Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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