Me. At least after what I've been through.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
