i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
