What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
