hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
