He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
