So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just invented taco cereal.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
